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Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

zeezack's picture

Religion is always a touchy subject to make fun of, especially on celluloid. When the Life of Brian was released there was moral outrage in all the Christian community, despite the fact that the film wasn’t even offensive. I’m sure if any priests see this movie they might be even more offended, then again most of them lack a severe sense of humour! So the basic storyline is pretty simple. Vampires have adapted to daylight and are stalking the earth spreading evil everywhere. Desperate times lead to desperate measures, and it comes down to two priests contacting Jesus, asking him to sort them out. What follows is many Matrix style battles between Jesus and the vampires, along with an encounter of dodgy atheists. Helped by the forces of a talking dessert, a Mexican wrestler, and a leather clad Denise Richards look a like Jesus must save the world before its too late! First of all this is an independent movie, so don’t expect too many mind blowing effects. Having said that however the makers of this movie have obviously stretched their budget to the limits with some very big musical numbers, and some intriguing vampire effects and yes a talking dessert. The acting by all of the leads in this movie is very well done. The guy who plays Jesus and his Denise Richards a like sidekick are particularly well acted. Jesus excels himself in many an action sequence, and a particularly impressive set piece is his fight with a seemingly infinite number of atheists. It can best be described as a parody of Bruce Lee, The Matrix, and Reservoir Dogs. The sequence is extremely unbelievable but highly funny because of this, and trust me you’re never believe how many people you can fit in a people carrier after seeing this! The Denise Richards look a like has to be her god damn twin sister, never has someone looked and sounded exactly like her, its damn weird! Her character is very much a parody of Denise’s from Undercover Brother, and she is particularly funny in a scene where Jesus gets a modern day fashion makeover. The other actors in this movie are not exactly the best I’ve seen in my life, but they fill the roles to a satisfactual level, which is good enough. Unfortunately the film does have some characters, which I would say were slightly un necessary. The mad doctor and the Mexican wrestler both have roles that never really live up to expectations, and in the mad doctors case is extremely over acted. The mad doctor character was probably written to act completely unbelievable but to be honest they probably should have left him out. The guy that plays him is slightly too enthusiastic and instead of his performance coming off as igsaturated parody, it verges more along the lines of acting up to the camera to an annoying level. However thanks to the two main leads and most other characters being watch able, the acting in this movie is not totally tarnished, and as such is certainly one of the better spoof indie movies I’ve seen in acting terms. The script of the movie is very fast paced for the first half of the movie and has many standout scenes that will have you laughing out loud. Characters are introduced very quickly and some also are killed off very quickly so your interest is held during this segment of the movie. The first half also parodies many other movies and jumps from set piece to set piece each with very different tones (e.g. one minute it’s a musical, the next an action movie, and the next a vampire movie!) and does this in a semi successful manner so that the viewer doesn’t get too confused. However during the third quarter of the movie the script and story begin to dive bomb quite badly. Its here when we first meet the mad doctor, and also Jesus new ally, a Mexican wrestler. For about 25 minutes nothing actually happens that is either funny or moves the story along which is a shame after such a promising start. A particularly laborious set piece is when Jesus and his wrestler friend visit a bar to listen to a band play some music that seems to go on forever. Only at the end of this scene when the bar sequence suddenly turns in to a Dusk till Dawn parody do things begin to hot up again. Finally the last quarter of the movie ties up all the loose ends smoothly and recovers the movie back to a thrilling pace. The final conflicts are particularly amusing as Jesus fights in two places at once. The mad doctor asks how he can perform such a feat to which Jesus replies, 'I’m Jesus, I’m everywhere man!' which is a standout line. The movie also features quite professional cinematography, and the director obviously knows exactly what kind of camera moves to use in particular parodies and sequences in the movie. The real let down is in the editing department, after making the movie and watching it, someone should have pointed out that the third quarter really ruins what was otherwise pretty entertaining little indie flick. Not only that but they should have maybe cut down the wrestlers role and reduced the mad doctors to maybe just the final conflict at the end. I guess it was a probably a case of they were afraid of making the film too short, alas in this case I think that could have improved it. All round however, I enjoyed viewing this movie. There were some very good parodies plus original ideas contained in it, and some promising actors featured prominently throughout. The musical sequences were highly inventive and ambitious and helped make this film a far more unique parody than many I’ve seen with larger budgets. The film was also mostly fast paced, and showed true talent from a director who might be a lot more famous in the future. If the makers can just clean up on their editing skills, and control some of their actors a little better, then I believe there’s some huge potential for the future here. Overall, this is the kind of movie you’re watch with friends once when you’re bored and find that it was better than it looked, but not rewarding enough to watch again. Memorable and quotable are among it qualities, but classic and rewatchable I’m afraid are not. A promising start despite its faults, and I’m sure that anything the makers of this create in the future can only be better, than this already entertaining flick!

"It�s the Second Coming, as you�ve never seen it before!"